Category: Mental Health/Personality



Day off of writing. Knitted a bit. I just can’t decide how long I want to make the cuff so about the time I think I’m ready to remove it I add a little more cuff and like it better. I think I’ll give it another inch. But gosh it feels good to knit!

Do you feel like you have more days of nada? Okay, I did have a game in my hand on my cell phone. Is that what I’ve become? That makes today a black hole.  I do realize it is Sunday as we watched CBS Sunday Morning. But not getting to sleep until 4:30 this morning. Nighttime seems awake time. Day time is distraction time. Total immersion in everything. I didn’t even think this stuff was bothering me. Nothing is different for us, the retired couple for ages before the weird. But weirdness. Especially on shopping days. Though my husband and I don’t go being the oldest here. But my brother and son go. Guilt that they are going, and risking for us makes it harder. Worrying that we might not clean good enough or that they might have caught something while out. So from Friday on through the weekend the stress wipes me out and hits on my ADD so that I am hyperfocused on anything but the craziness.

Oh, and shoot! I just lost my daily posting goal. I didn’t know it was so close to midnight. So yeah. Monday. #WDIIA

 

depreesion


 

 

 Something I keep telling myself.

And the thing is many of the worries we have in life turn out pretty good. I can’t predict which ones but I do have to report that the Bank issue resolved itself bringing our balance back to helping our food stock to keep us fed for two weeks. Yay!

Another issue that we caught by looking at the bank statement worked out by calling the source. The specialist at that business saw the problem and solved it immediately. Reversed the charge and all was good. I hope you are all finding good things in the midst of all of this like we did today.

Took a walk, several times today. It was just in the yard but the sun was up and two of the four outings I could just wear a T-shirt! Wow! It was wonderful!

Maybe laundry is just a thing you get done in your house. I remember when in the family of six I was chief cook, bottle washer, and laundry matron. Now just getting my own laundry done is something I put off until there just isn’t anything else to wear and I’m down to my last towel. I remedied that today. Woo Hoo!

With fibromyalgia and arthritis, there are days of aches and pains, tiredness, and worry of fever. And this is spring so there is congestion going on. Normally I wouldn’t worry about any of it. I had gotten used to all those feeling and knew what to take to make it better for me. For the last couple of days, and this is just for the record, I’ve had all of that. Breathing is easy. The walks, though not with a lot of energy, were bearable. So I am claiming fibro and allergies. I’m not going anywhere more than I have been before, so I’m not spreading around my nearly hypochondriac sickness.

I did send out a question to our community about a mountain that my adult offspring like to camp at. It is only 12 miles away. And though the road is pretty rough, once you get there the scenery is awesome and the smell of pine trees is so uplifting to the spirit! But I was told that this is the season of wolves and big cats and one should take a gun. Not sure I want to deal with that. Still, it might be a nice ride for us and we could stay near the car. We have seen bear scat up there. But I think it might be a little soon for them. We’ll see if the cabin fever wins over the wilderness fear.

A friend of mine mentioned the importance of paper journaling during a pandemic. I have mentioned, and not followed through, starting to write more by hand. I am going to try and do that.

So the last thing I want to mention is: What a beautiful sunset we had tonight! Picture a lot more reds and pinks.

 

 

So this was a combination #WDIIA and #SoCS Thank you, Linda, for the wonderful prompts!

 

 


socs-badge-2019-2020

Per Linda:

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “wire.” Use “wire” as a noun or a verb or any way you’d like. Enjoy!

More slipper socks finished. Yay!

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And the snow is falling. About an inch in an hour. Here’s the latest of my porch banister that was just wet and brown an hour ago:

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(revised edit: two inches now at the finish of the blog)

That is the peaceful scene I wished for in December or January. Here we are early spring and I wanted to start getting out for walks. But I guess it is helping all of us stay inside and meditate our lives.

You know at any moment we all could have died. Let’s say by accident or gunshot or our own stupidity. I guess the risk-takers would have been more prone to death than those who live from a cautious point of view. It’s all according to how we are wired.

Heck, we have enough coyote-to-roadrunner ratio here that we could have been hit by:

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Pixabay.com

The loss of life from any or all those incidences are devastating. Yet, they happen every day, bar the anvil. We try to protect ourselves as best we can from any of these, yet our thoughts don’t stray to or remain on the what-ifs.

Our new shared reality is built of constant worry on top of the regular worries of paying bills and surviving winter.

Some of us are wired to be gregarious. We must be around people at all times. Others of us are more of quiet wiring. Many taught to greet with a hug or handshake are shaken to bows or not even meeting people. Besides, who has toilet paper these days? You don’t want to shake that hand!

This is a time for the introverts to enjoy not feeling guilty for staying home, enjoying our own company. This is a time to reflect on how death has always been just around the corner. But facing that it may or may not be your own is hard to grab onto.

We came into this thinking it one more hoax, one more conspiracy. A joke. But even if so, life has come to a halt. Many I know are finding people they know have the virus. Many have it that can’t be tested. It is fear upon fear.

It is like we just opened a new book and we find ourselves in The Walking Dead or something like it. Panic is our worst enemy. Take a lesson from the disaster movies. Stay put and use your time to ponder.

I am finding it hard to listen to the constant fears of others. I’m 70 after all! I have lived a wonderful life. I have a great extended family and fantastic friends. I would hate, at any point in my life to have lost any of them.

At the same time, I have been the young mother as my young children romped about me. I chose not to take my children to see grandparents if any of us were even the slightest bit ill. So I don’t believe in my heart I cause their demise. Yet, at my age, I have lost many I have loved. This is something you never get used to. I assume if it happens on a large scale the loss will be overwhelming. Let’s hope that that doesn’t happen.

Meanwhile, what if we only have a few days to be alive? A few days to enjoy the amount of health we do have? Why spend our last moments worrying. Outside of proper precaution, what more can we do? I’m not saying ‘eat, drink, and be merry,’ I’m saying love your people. Spend as much time as you can by connecting in the ways earlier pandemics didn’t have: Skype, FaceTime, google chat. Talk on the phone if you can handle it. Write out your thoughts, email. If you are so inclined: write letters. I don’t know if sending the letters is advisable as others will have to touch and handle the mail to their detriment. But once this passes, and it will pass, there will be ways to reach out or remember each other.

I do believe we are wired to LOVE.

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Pixabay.com

 

 


via Working On Us- Passive Suicidal Ideation 

This is worth the read. If my computer were less glitchy I’d add to the responses. Meanwhile, read my friend, Sadje’s response.


I watch this show every year. Thinking about how if I just apply myself to something assuming I never have to stop I could become proficient. Now that my piano is in the living room I need to get rid of all the psychic garbage that keeps me from it and just do it like every day is Groundhog’s Day. Think of the things we could learn if we just followed Phil.


Every January we go through traditions. Many choose the New Year to make resolutions to quit habits or institute new ones. A friend and I have used our New Years to write up possibilities. We feel resolutions are made to be broken whereas if you think ahead and wish to do better or see changes in your life you should write them down. They aren’t necessarily predictions, though they could work out that way, but rather shine a new light on our lives. The only prediction that comes out of this is as a counselor once told me: The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. And of course, then continued with the solid advice that the only way that changes is if a person has hurt enough from that behavior and wants a change from deep in their soul.

When we see little changes happening for the better, they can put on the label of possibility.

I want to thank Linda G. Hill for asking for prompts for these Just Jot It January blogs. I had to take the time to think of what I wanted to put my thoughts and predictions. I will keep private my possibilities as I think it spoils the silent work I put into them if I share. Thank you, everyone, who used my prompt of Prediction. It’s been fun to see what you came up with.


Imagine Me GoneImagine Me Gone by Adam Haslett

My rating: 2 of 5 stars

A few days ago I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t finish this book. I just couldn’t like the characters or the story. What parts I related to were triggers of my own upbringing and depressions. I figured this wasn’t a good book for me.

After looking at the reviews and realizing a friend had recommended to me, I decided to stick it out. I must admit that the book got a little better but still was not one I will remember in the future. I would normally give this book a single star, but I do think the subject matter needs to be shared with others that may not have had the opportunity to learn about it first hand. And explore why the treatment of depression and other mental health issues don’t get looked at is because many think the patients are needy, attention-getters or otherwise diminish the pain the person is going through. The author gives us a couple glimpses into the minds of severe depression. So I raised the star rating by one.

Since I review and rate for my own future reference I have to leave it at 2 stars. Others love this book and say it is their favorite of the year. So don’t take my word for it. Pick it up and see what you think. Oh, I should mention this was a library Kindle version.

View all my reviews


X

This could be the most challenging of the #AtoZChallenge. I wanted to go with the easy, xylophone, or x-ray, but couldn’t think of enough to fill a sentence much less a small blog post. So I went to my online dictionary and ran across words I knew but needed a refresher. So I exited the dictionary with a minor idea. Let’s see if it works.

Are you a xenophile or a xenophobe? The roots of the words are easy in this case. xeno=people especially foreign or exotic. Phile=lover of. Phobe=afraid of. A lot of us don’t think about it much. We tend to think we like everyone.

That would be true for me. I like to think I like all people. But throw me into a room with more than two people I don’t know and I go into a panic with sweats and shakes. One on one, I am fascinated by all people and their stories. If I get to know them well enough I can handle them in a bigger group of folks I know.

Parties? Church? Can’t handle the crowds at all. Even the nicest of groups like the Unitarian Universalists, probably the least judgmental of church groups I’ve ever been in, too many and I am a basket case looking for the nearest exit. (See what I did there?)

I get my xenophile fix by reading about people from other places and walks of life. I think everything you read that stretches your understanding reduces the possible cases of xenophobia.

colorful xylophone

il_570xN.633693719_ddlh colorcoded keyed toy piano

But Hey! I learned to play the xylophone before I learned the piano. It had many colored keys like my first little piano. I was and am a little upset that adult pianos are black and white. Mine is pretty and I love rooms of black and white, I would love a room of those colors and a black baby grand, with the tiled look going into the indoor pool of the same colors. Now that is seXy! But red and yellow black and white and brown and purple, blue and green, this started out a song but the dream of this piano/xylophone overreached! Oh, but the piano room with the wood as the main feature could use a glockenspiel! Ooh! Xylophone vs glockenspiel! There’s a topic for another day!

glockenspiel

Notice the above paragraph has no people? Yeah, for a few seconds there I was not nervous. As much as I love people and want them in my life there are times that I could X them out and bury myself in my music or art or writing, reading–ah but sooner or later I crave social interaction. I long for long talks and learning others’ stories. Suck it up, shake and perspire, enjoy the Xeno!

Where are you on the Xeno charts?

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Nearly finished with this fun #AtoZChallenge!


Or could this be early Monday Madness? No. It still has to be Sunday as I am still awake. If I say it is Monday then I will have missed a day of blogging and my record is ruined! I can’t have that! I like that I do this every day. Even when it isn’t the greatest of blogs, it is the habit I want to keep.

Some things in our lives don’t take working at. Like breathing, swallowing, eating. But some days getting out of bed is a challenge. So I try to make sure I do it. I try not to take naps so that my nights are better, but since Hubby broke his shoulder our schedules have messed up with pain and naps have to happen. Brushing teeth. There is one that isn’t like breathing. I have to tell myself a couple times a day to do it or it flies away into the land of forgotten things. Brushing my hair. This one includes pain sometimes so I have to find a way to keep it corralled. A ponytail does that and keeps it out of my eyes and off my face. I’m seriously thinking of cutting it all off. The only thing that stops me is the in-between lengths when it can be so much more work than a ponytail.

Reading is like breathing. I never have to tell myself to read. It just happens. Writing reviews? Not as easy. In fact, I have three I need to do tomorrow!

Along with reading is loom knitting. My hands get anxious when I am not doing it.

Gosh, I think that is all of the easy habits. EVERYTHING ELSE TAKES –what? Will-power? Not so much. Will-power is energy I don’t have. And doing the blog and my languages and my piano and taking walks have to flow from something else. Passion? Not the flaming kind. But, yeah–that or a sense of pride?

Sorry that I am using you as a sounding board but jump right in and help me understand how to make better habits. I do feel a sense of pride for blogging every day since New Years and the same track record on the Duolingo languages.

All of this was somewhat easier when I was a full-time mom, working, pre-pain. Now I have to work at all of it. I’m truly sorry for the parents who have to deal with pain, for people who have to work while in pain. Yes, I did have that and managed. But I’m going to tell you, faking it, smiling and doing your job dressed in uncomfortable clothing, thinking when your brain refuses, all that catches up with you; can break you. Finding the balance back then was doing nothing after work. So many things I wanted to do but had no energy to try.

Now I have all the time but lack energy and funds. So I want to do it wisely. I have so many interests. I have always had a million interests. How to turn those into habits so as to squeeze the most out of the life I’m in.

How do you all handle your passions, interests, balance?


The Way Back from BrokenThe Way Back from Broken by Amber J. Keyser

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Yay! I won this book in a contest by Cidney Swanson. Here is her page: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show…

I think I would have finished this book a long time ago had it been in Kindle format. But this way I will be able to share not only the signed book but the swag of postcards that came with it. I’ll add the BookCrossing BCID at the bottom of this review.

This book addresses the children of families that have lost babies, either pre or post birth. It may seem silly that we leave the siblings out of the grieving process for these situations but this shows the depth that kids of all ages feel for their departed loved ones. And though ‘lost infants’ is the focus of the mourning process, and though the book is aimed at children or young adults, I think this might be a great book for other ages and other types of losses.

With the topic that is so sad and frustrating for the young characters in the book, I found the book slow for me. But for those whose eyes can handle the font, this might read faster. Still, I felt the author said what needed to be said for the reader, and the characters. And please don’t give up if it doesn’t move along fast enough. It will pick up toward the end and you will be so happy that you stayed with it.

I finished reading the book a couple days ago. I just didn’t want to let go of the characters or adventure that they find themselves a part of. I miss all of it. I miss them. I want to know more of what happens next. I don’t know if the author plans a sequel. The reader isn’t left on any cliff. But I would love to see the story continue.

Congratulations, Amber J. Keyser, on a book well done and on a subject matter not covered very often.

Here is the BCID: 118-13963555

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