Category: whine


Frustration is Back


I had typed about two thousand words today. I hit save every fifteen minutes. Then my dog wanted to go outside. I hit save and just as I did the computer popped off. I lost all the words from last night and today’s words. I am trying to catch up now so I’ll not say much here. It is so disappointing when computer crashes lose everything. I went through every file in dropbox and Onedrive to find anything to save me. But now it is a mishmash of things I have touched so I can’t find the right one. I’ll try to rename the one I am working on right now as it is the closest to what I had done.

Sorry for complaining. I’ll get back on track because the story is pushing me to tell it. I just need to get as much done tonight and tomorrow to get back to where I left off.

Day Two


Way too hot to have a toothache. No appointment until August!

Climbing back to the slighty cooler floor. Not even enough energy for Bitmoji

🖐😢

Lousy Illegal “L”


After my lousy poem yesterday to catch up with the illegal alphabet blogging, and lousy weather and lousy lazying around NOT walking, I have very little to say.

I have been editing my first book. Until I reached a horrid sentence and can’t seem to find a creative way around it. So instead of showing you what it is, I will sneak in this tidbit: I’m editing my first book!

I wrote Haven in the March following 9/11. Actually, I made it a NaNoWriMo as I started on the Ides of March and finished on the Ides of April. Except I didn’t finish it until November the same year  (2002) as there was a move involved and a lot of stressy things going on.

Haven started as I was riding the train on my daily commute to Irvine. During that time there were a lot of times the train wouldn’t continue on to LA. for fear of terrorists, etc. I sat there and wished, “If only there were a planet…” and that wish was strong enough to pull out my Palm Pilot and portable keyboard and started writing.

I have been told there is not enough tension in this book. But taking that wish, I was avoiding tension. These days I seek less tension as it seems everyone wants to blame each other, argue or hate each other. I think it is nearly worse than the atmosphere of 9/11. That was why I finally pulled it out and started working on it again. Then that lousy sentence! But editing is what I’ve chosen to do for CampNaNo. So…

If anyone is curious you can find the first 8 chapters here. I hope it isn’t Lousy.


Summer Countdown – Days Until Summer – Summer Countdown Widget. I missed three seasons due to fibro-flares. Here’s to another three that may be better due to my new meds: Gabapentin (300MG 3xday starting on Wednesday). I can only hope. Come back Summer! I wanted to play!


Oxalates: The Grain-Free Diet Trap – Empowered Sustenance. I am gluten-free/vegan I don’t know how do to this diet. Has anyone else tried? Any suggestions? I don’t like meat. I do love my cheese and had a hard time giving it up because of dairy allergies. The gluten-free seems to agree with my system, but still the fibro-flares are wild! I recently started taking gabapentin. I have looked it up and it sound promising, but I would rather not take drugs of any kind and change through diet and lifestyle. Trouble is my lifestyle lately includes much time in bed whining.


Torture & Symptoms of Fibromyalgia/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Yep. That’s today for me.


The Scriptorium Daily. Is out!!!


Chronic Comic 324 : FibroModem. I have been in an extreme flare the last few days. The weird part of that little comic is that when I am not in a flare I almost don’t believe such a thing exists. Meanwhile, I am very unhappy about my lack of wordage. Typing is very uncomfortable and I can’t make it too far from my bed so finding a why to Dragon-Speak in a private area hasn’t happened.  But you watch. When this flare goes bye-bye I won’t remember how miserable I was. Grrrr.


Fibromyalgia Mystery Finally Solved! | The Guardian Express.

 

Not sure I believe this one. What I can relate is that when the doctor decided to test my blood to see if my blood sugar was low she saw that I was a ‘bleeder’ I have always known that my fingertips were so sensitive that I had to keep my nails long. I gave up trying to teach myself guitar. I found staccato tunes on the piano painful. Typing on a typewriter hurt. If my hands get cold while preparing fruits or veggies for salads I was pretty much a basket case and couldn’t eat said foods for hours after.

That said. The pain I experience in a flare feels like my bones from tailbone to ankles are going to explode. The next step of a flare goes up into my shoulders and neck. Then arms and shoulder blades at the level of bra-strap start in. But the very worst of it isn’t a headache, thank God-dess I don’t get those, too! but a fog that is so permeating that I am unable to do anything at all. Even remembering to go to the restroom  slips my mind while in that fog. So did I just prove this latest study right? As I stated at the beginning, not sure. But it is something not to hear it is in my head! I am so tired of people showing and proving to me that they have overcome and thereby I am somehow less than they are! Do they think I like spending my life in bed? Do they realize how busy I used to be before this took over my life? Have they any idea how passionate I am about so many things that I can’t find the energy to enjoy? It is NOT depression! I am depressed because I can’t do stuff! Sorry for the whine! And no, I don’t do cheese: gluten-free/vegan!


Since I started to seriously blog here my health has been an issue. In looking for answers I reacquainted myself with …

Blogs I Love

 

For one of those blogs I needed to write a letter to the owner describing me here and now. Here is what I wrote to her:

 

Hi Golda,

I love your website! I found it through the blog: Dances With Fat.

I come from half heredity of big people and half skinny-minnies. My children, four adults, three males and then the youngest of the family, female. Only the oldest carries the fat cells, the others took after the skinnies.

My weight has always been a problem for me. But I would love to go back to my fat days of 135! Now I am nearly 75 pounds more than that. I have been a vegetarian for nearly 20 years. When people look at me they don’t believe me. The only thing I have been able to offer is that hippos and elephants are vegetarians also.

Elephant vs hippo

Elephant vs hippo (Photo credit: andrew.napier)

Last Friday I learned that I am now diabetic and was told, again, my cholesterol is still high. I did learn my thyroid needs a pill. And more pills on top of the ones for depression/social anxiety, fibromyalgia, osteoporosis, arthritis, etc. No surprise, see above. Cold, changeable weather of Winter causes such pain and mental fogginess that I can’t even get up to shower much less getting into some sort of exercise routine.

In the late spring when the weather is warmer and stable I get out of the house into the sun and have a regular life. So meanwhile, how do I lose the unhealthy weight? I have decided to finally give in and go vegan. Since I hate fish, chicken, eggs and milk, the choice to give up butter, oils and cheese seems easy. With the exception of coconut oil.

English: Coconut oil in solid state

English: Coconut oil in solid state (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Meanwhile, I am thinking about the last time I lost a lot of weight and how it was due to a shopping trip to Pic-n-Sav, now called Big Lots. I was pushing my cart through the aisles and spotted a huge beautiful woman. Her hair, make-up, clothing, demeanor reeked of glamor and awesomeness. I took one look at her and knew she had some secrets. I could tell SHE LOVED HERSELF AND HER BODY. And pound for pound she was easily three times my size. And though she seemed to tower over me I was looking her in the eye. We were the same height.

She didn’t know it but she saved my life. I walked down the next aisle a little embarrassed that I had been gawking. I looked down at my mouse clothes that were hiding me from the world and decided it was time to start loving me. I was able to go out and get new wonderful clothes. I took pride to look my best and to walk with confidence, ‘fake it til you make it.’

Within a couple months, without really trying, my clothes were too large for me. I didn’t even notice it. A friend took me to shop for clothes and I was flabbergasted to find I was a size 8!

And so, now, at 63, I am hoping, through accepting me and these nasties my body has thrown at me, that I will find that version of myself.

Thanks for the opportunity,

Dar

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